i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
