I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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