she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
