Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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