I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
