He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
