It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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