he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
