at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
