You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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