how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
