a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
