So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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