That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
