Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
