so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
