If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
