I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
