Betty ford says i'm here all night
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
