Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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