i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
