I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
should my penis look like a turkey
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
