umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
