true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
