I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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