So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just forgot I was standing up.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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