I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
