a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
