Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
