Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
me + whiskey = a bad person
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
