My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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