His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
