i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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