I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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