Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
we're making bets on your personal life
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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