I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Can you bring me the toilet please
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
