Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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