I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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