Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
