apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
