There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
