i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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