i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
All I want is dick and wine.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
