Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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