I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.