i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
