he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
