I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
