im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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