a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
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He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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