the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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