The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
