so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
