I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
